Wednesday, 7 September 2011
I wanted to write about what is on my heart today.
Sometimes i feel a little lost.. and right now is that time.
If i could pick one career in the world that i would love to do for the rest of my life, it would to be a stay at home mummy. But sometimes i have days where i feel like i am not me.
I have so much passion for crafting, photography, writing and baking and everyday i wake and have so much motivation to do something for myself. But it never gets done.
I sometimes just wish i could ride off on my bike to a far away field with my books and journal and camera and spend the day just feeling that freedom and just breathing in the fresh air and not having a care in the world. I spent most weekends doing this. But if i were to do this, the overwhelming feeling of guilt would take over. I dont even think i could even leave the house to go somewhere to have that time for myself knowing that i would be leaving the girls.
I sometimes just wish that when i have an urge to write, i can sit down and put on my music and just write and write but i am always needed by one of the girls. Mia is now rolling and if i put her down, she will roll, get stuck and need picking up. I havent been able to even put the clean washing away for four days let alone pick up a pencil and write a song.
I crave to go out with friends. To be able to go out and not think about home and just be able to laugh and enjoy myself but there is always that niggling feeling of guilt creeping in again when i do. I just cant get away from it. It is the strongest, awful feeling in the world!
I sometimes wish i could go out on a photoshoot for an afternoon and take the pictures that are feeling up in my mind. I sometimes wish i could sit down at the sewing machine for an afternoon and just make something and not feel that guilt about not giving the girls attention.
Baking is becoming harder. I have Elle holding my leg begging me to come and play and Mia getting restless in her swing chair.
And overall, i wish that i could ask someone to come for an afternoon and care for the girls while i just did something for myself without the awful guilt feeling that i should be looking after them myself as i am their mummy.
And now i feel so selfish. Does anyone else have these feelings? I just feel like i have completely lost my spirit sometimes and instead of having me time, i spend my time worrying over the girls and worrying over the housework and worrying over money. I feel too grown up sometimes!
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