Wednesday, 7 September 2011

losing myself.


I wanted to write about what is on my heart today.
Sometimes i feel a little lost.. and right now is that time.

If i could pick one career in the world that i would love to do for the rest of my life, it would to be a stay at home mummy. But sometimes i have days where i feel like i am not me.
I have so much passion for crafting, photography, writing and baking and everyday i wake and have so much motivation to do something for myself. But it never gets done.

I sometimes just wish i could ride off on my bike to a far away field with my books and journal and camera and spend the day just feeling that freedom and just breathing in the fresh air and not having a care in the world. I spent most weekends doing this. But if i were to do this, the overwhelming feeling of guilt would take over. I dont even think i could even leave the house to go somewhere to have that time for myself knowing that i would be leaving the girls.
I sometimes just wish that when i have an urge to write, i can sit down and put on my music and just write and write but i am always needed by one of the girls. Mia is now rolling and if i put her down, she will roll, get stuck and need picking up. I havent been able to even put the clean washing away for four days let alone pick up a pencil and write a song.

I crave to go out with friends. To be able to go out and not think about home and just be able to laugh and enjoy myself but there is always that niggling feeling of guilt creeping in again when i do. I just cant get away from it. It is the strongest, awful feeling in the world!

I sometimes wish i could go out on a photoshoot for an afternoon and take the pictures that are feeling up in my mind. I sometimes wish i could sit down at the sewing machine for an afternoon and just make something and not feel that guilt about not giving the girls attention.
Baking is becoming harder. I have Elle holding my leg begging me to come and play and Mia getting restless in her swing chair.

And overall, i wish that i could ask someone to come for an afternoon and care for the girls while i just did something for myself without the awful guilt feeling that i should be looking after them myself as i am their mummy.

And now i feel so selfish. Does anyone else have these feelings? I just feel like i have completely lost my spirit sometimes and instead of having me time, i spend my time worrying over the girls and worrying over the housework and worrying over money. I feel too grown up sometimes!















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13 comments

  1. Aww I feel this way sometimes, and if I was close enough I'd look after your girls for you although if your like me your still worry about them no matter who they are with.
    x x x

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  2. hi there, came across your blog via netmums, couldn't just read and run. like me, and I'm sure every mum out there, I have felt as you are feeling, the need to be YOU, not mummy, but the massive guilt for feeling like that. I've accepted that guilt is just part of being a mummy, and of being a darned good mummy at that!

    I've also almost accepted that if we DON'T take time to do what WE want - no need - to do from time to time, just for a few minutes or hours, or even days, then we won't be able to give our best to our little ones. We need to look after ourselves, attend to our own needs, and that way we can attend to others.
    It's very easy to say 'don't feel guilty', but I think that has to come from within.
    And if nothing else, I hope just by blogging that has somehow given you a few minutes to yourself, to be yourself.

    Love your photos! x

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  3. I bet most...may ALL mums feel this way, at least sometimes? You may find mum-me-time interesting if you look for it on Facebook....
    I think you are great at acknowledging your feelings, that is always a hard step to begin with...you are right, you are so many things, so many people, and that is what makes you and every other mum, a GREAT MUM. x

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  4. Yes, you say it like we all feel it I think. Would comment more but currently exhausted, another common feeling since becoming a mum
    Love the pics

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  5. I think guilt is part and parcel of becoming a Mummy, but I think if you do get a chance to take some time out for you then you can be a better Mum more happy and refreshed when you come back from it so it's not something to feel guilty about, and the love you feel when you come back after leaving them will be immense.

    I'm hoping that as my son gets older I'll re-find the time to do things that are me (and at the moment I try to squeeze into the hours he is asleep), and that he will join in with some things too.

    Would Elle not help you to bake, or pretend to do her own baking while you do yours. Could you make her a little basket of toddler-safe craft things so you can sew and she can copy you with a plastic needle and some net or something (there are some great ideas out there for this, I'm hoping to try my son on some of the ideas on here http://tinkerlab.com/2011/02/even-toddlers-can-sew/ ). Could you give her a cheap or toy camera so she can take some photos while you do? Just an idea. Maybe it's about seeing if you can incorporate your children into who you are. Share what you are passionate about with them?

    Don't beat yourself up for wanting to be you for a while. You sound like a great mum and it's important to stay true to yourself so you can stay that way. x

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  6. No, my friend, you are NOT alone. All moms struggle with the same thing. It will get easier with time. You are an amazing mother.

    If I was there, I'd hug you and watch your kids for you!!

    Your photography is amazing. Do you sell your photos?

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  7. My darling girl, this is what happens to all mums at many points in their lives. Sadly, there is often a struggle for balance and it is part of a mother's life. I had these feelings, fears and thoughts too - sometimes I still do. You take time out to do something for yourself - along comes a small person, who demands - and needs - your attention straight away; you end up feeling resentful and cross - and also guilty about those feelings.
    There is no "easy answer"; your friends are right, that you are not alone - it happens to all mothers. Try to be kinder to yourself, by accepting that this is part of motherhood and all your feelings - frustration, resentment, tiredness, guilt, sadness at "losing yourself", need for time alone.... all this is normal.

    There are a few practical things you can do, to help yourself a little bit; Elle doesn't sleep in the daytime, which is a pity, as nap-time would be a small time-slot for you to do what you want. However, when Elle is at nursery, you can do a few things. Use a play-pen, to keep Mia safe. She doesn't have to be plonked in there and abandoned. She needn't stay there all day. However, it is a safe place to put her for short periods of time, so you can do the necessary jobs. She is small enough to quickly accept it happily, as a place where she can sit/roll about and play with her toys, while mummy is busy nearby. Get her used to it now and you will be better able to cope later. It's not a cruel thing - it is a necessity, for her safety and your sanity. It will mean that, if Elle needs you urgently, you know Mia is safe for a few minutes. If the washing must be done, Mia is somewhere safe while you sort it out. If you're desperate for a wee, you can leave her there for a minute, while you trot upstairs. So long as you make certain there is nothing inside it that could be dangerous, it's a safe place for her to play for short spells. Some play-pens are really big and nice - try EBay and Freecycle!
    That's one thing...
    If you want to do photo shoots, can you not take Mia along and set her up happily to play? It's not ideal, as you are bound to be interrupted and you will need to keep the shoot quite short, but perhaps you can manage it if you are clever? Maybe a friend might come along,as a baby-sitter, sometimes?
    Your friend is right about occupying Elle; some small versions of what you are doing will amuse her for short periods, so you can get some things done. Try to invent activities that you can both do, which appeal to your creativity as well as Elle's.
    And finally, one thing you can do to help yourself, is ask Auntie to come over now and then, to baby-sit! XXX

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  8. Ah your Auntie Lizzie is so nice isn't she and wise too.
    I think your main problem is the guilt you feel at taking time for you.
    How can you work on abating that? Then it'd be easier all round and you'd feel happier leaving them with your auntie babysitting no doubt.

    Maybe your guilt comes from a belief that unless you are there for the girls 100% all the time then you are not a good enough mother.
    so much of what we put ourselves through in life is down to the belief we aren't good enough as we are.
    Obv I don't know about being a mother as yet but I do know about accepting ourselves and not judging ourselves by impossible standards.

    Yes you need a bit of time, to express yourself to photograph or catch up on things. You will be recharged to then put that into your days with the girls again.
    But how can you completely soak up that recharging, if you feel guilty all the time when you do take time away. it must be a tough dilema.

    From the outside if it helps, I So admire your way of being a mum and how much you are their for Elle and Mia and all you do with them. They are having a wonderful rich and unconditionally loving upbringing. You couldn't be doing it any better.
    Maybe extend that unconditional love to yourself too, that's what can combat some of the guilt feelings I find.
    You deserve to have little time outs and say to yourself like an affirmation that you are still a good mother when you do.
    also it won't be forever, think when the girls are both at school, what would you do, make plans for that, build to it, maybe you could do your photography as a job....you are So good Hun, I would want you to do my wedding, if, no, when I get to that point :)
    I'm sure so many mums would pay you to do a shoot with their babies
    Hugs and love
    Kat xoxo

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  9. Thank you ever ever so much to you all. I am so overwhelmed by the replies. thank you!!!

    Jamie,
    yes i do. www.gingerlillytea.etsy.com xxx

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  10. I am in the same situation. It's hard taking time to look after yourself, believe me I understand the guilt. It's a balancing act I haven't quite got the hang of yet, but I know it will come and it will for you too. Take the bestest care of yourself dear. And like Kat said, you have a wonderful talent that will always be with you. I hope you feel less guilt when you take the time to nurture it because one day I am sure you will be making a career out of it...for your girls. xxxxx

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  11. I think you are feeling all the feelings of every Mum :-) The amount of times I want to take a photo of something like a gorgeous sunset or a beautiful flower but can't stop or go out as the kiddies are with me all the time - very frustrating but I have to remember that they will grow very quickly and I will soon be older and they will have left home so i can do what I want then (this thought it the only thing that stops be getting annoyed as this time is precious really). It will get easier as you little on grows and you will get more time for yourself.

    I started very early in parenthood realising that I shouldn't think of doing too many things in a day with kiddies in tow, you will always end up feeling disheartened. xxx

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  12. This brought me to tears. I don't know what is it with blog posts today that are doing this to me but I can sure tell you that I feel your pain 100%. I'm just getting done with college and I would love to stay at home with my little one but then whenever I get the chance to do that (like getting the first 2 weeks of the semester cancelled) I feel so trapped it makes me feel horrible and then frustrated and then like I need to run for my life.
    The one thing I can tell you is that there's nothing wrong about feeling like that and if you feel that way maybe it is because you actually need a day off for yourself. I would advise getting someone to watch your kids for a couple of hours. You'll start to miss your girls after a while and come home in desperation wanting to be with them. Because after all, your main job is to me a mamma. When you get away you return to be more grateful of what you have going on.
    Thanks for sharing this beautiful words, I felt as if i had written them, they touched my heart so much.

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  13. I crocheted some cutesy hearts today that I think I will make into earrings. If you are still looking for people to donate to your September giveaways, I'd love to send them to a winner. And yes, I know you're overseas. That's quite alright. I would love to send some royal mail. :0) Let me know what you decide by emailing me, k?

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