Today, i want to share my honesty. I have never really written about myself and who i am here. I tend to hide behind the girls, but most of the time, that is just how i like it.
This post is going to share what is on my heart. Inspired by a few of my favourite bloggers who have been brave enough to put themselves out there to be judged. So here i am, writing from my heart, hoping not to be judged.
I believe that i am a very complicated person. I don't have alot of self esteem. I think i can be very hard to read and i am the best at covering up how i really feel.
I dont remember much from my childhood. I blocked alot of those years out. Things just crumbled and fell apart for me from a very young age. I craved love as i never really belonged or felt like i belonged anywhere. I had the cruelest things happen and i didnt deal with them well. I spent years self harming and have had some sort of eating disorder since the age of 11. It's a battle i will always fight and its something that is completely frightening. I will constantly worry about the girls falling into the world but i will always try my hardest to keep them safe and protected and loved.
I have a passion for anything creative but i am such a perfectionist that sometimes i am scared to start a project knowing that it wont be to the standard that i want it to be. I am a jealous person and very obbessive over things. I hate most pictures of myself and wish i didnt. I constantly take pictures of me and my love and my girls but end up deleating at least 99% of them. I read other peoples blogs and wish i had their lives, or looked like them or was as talented as them. I am very hard on my self and defiantly believe in the phrase "the grass is greener on the otherside".
I had a miscarriage when i was 18 and i constantly dream about what that little child would be like. My heart hurts so much when i think about him or her but i never talk about it. I feel extreme guilt as i remember crying when i found out that my husband and i were pregnant. I didnt want to be pregnant and didnt know what to do. After a few weeks, the excitement began to grow and i felt so much love for that little baby but then it went and i feel so much guilt that i didnt want the baby to begin with. I feel like i killed it! Like the baby felt unwanted so just left.
I put too much pressure on myself. I want to be the best person i possibly can and i hate that i feel like i have to be perfect at everything. I want to be the mum who makes the best cakes, i want to be the mum who makes all her childrens clothes, i want to be the mum who photographs her children constantly, i want to be the mum who has a spotless house and always has pies or soups cooking in the kitchen and i want to have the most love anyone could ever have for their husband and children. I hold myself up on a pedestal and scrutinise every single detail about my life and there is always conflict in my head about if i am good enough or not.
I am very paranoid. I constantly think people hate me and worry all the time about what i have done wrong. I worry people think i am strange or weird because of how i am and how i have chosen to bring my children up. I pick over every single word someone says to me to try and work out how they feel about me. I take things to heart so quickly and easily and often torture myself with words or sentances from others that i take completely out of context.
I am the least confrontational person in the world. I have never had an argument with my husband because i can never get out how i feel. i just collaspe into tears. I panic over talking to strangers. It will take me atleat half an hour to pluck up the couage to call up the doctors for an appointment and you will never get me to call for a takeaway! i would be a stumbling mess!
I am in love with anything that reminds me of being a child. Beatrix Potter, Enid Blyton, Brambly Hedge.
My favourite films are the Children of green knowe and A fairytale: A true story
My favourite music is Pink Floyd, Hannah Fury, The Honeytrees and Kate Bush
So, this is a huge step for me. I havent shared alot about my childhood on purpose. I love my family and i dont want to share details and upset anyone. Its in the past and something that has made me stronger. Maybe one day i will share some of the things that others did to me but at my moment, its a little frightening to think about completely stripping myself away but i hope i will be strong enough to share one day.
i havent proof checked this as i dont want to re-read it. I just wrote what i felt at this particular moment and shared what i felt i wanted to. I am opening myself up here but please be kind.