Wednesday, 16 May 2012

On my heart


I have recently been asked about why i blog. I wanted to answer it and i wanted to open my heart a little. I seem to always put myself in a vulnerable position but i guess its ok sometimes to share those things that show that everything isnt always perfect and that you really are just human. I have had lots of comments on instagram recently about people wishing they were like me. I'm far far far from perfect and i spend 99% of my time wishing i was others!

When i was younger, i was the most outgoing and confident person. I had absoutly no cares in the world and i admit, i was a little obnoxious and a bit of a show off. As i grew older, i seemed to become more of an introvert and to be frank, a door mat! I always let people tell me what to do, how i should be, how i shouldnt be and i just seem to do what people want me to for fear of being unliked or getting into an confrontation.
I started a livejournal blog when i was a teenager. It was a big creative outlet and i could share what i wanted to and write what i wanted to. I switched over to blogger to start afresh after i had Elle. My life had changed completely and i wanted a new blog to share my new life.

After i had Mia, i really wanted to start a blog where i could document our lifes and memories. I have lots of memories as a child but they seem to be so muddled and i get so frustrated trying to figure out if what i remember actually happened. I tend to blur 4 or 5 different memories into one and wonder why no one else remembers what i am talking about. I wanted the girls to see what we did and for them to read how much i really do love them.



Having people around the world following my blog and actually wanting to read what i write is a big deal to me. I admit now, i am lonely. I have my girls 24 hours a day but my husband works long hours and some days, i just dont feel like going for walks along the river or feel like making a teepee in the front room for us to hide in. Somedays we just slouch on the sofa, watching disney junior and reading books. And most days it is just us.
Having people comment and email and talk to me online seems to make me realise that i am not really alone. I know having a blog isnt all about how many followers you have and how many comments you get. I have recently changed my URL of my blog, so most of the followers i had before wont be able to find my new posts and i feel a little silly but i am glad i did it.

I have no idea where i am really going with this post. I think sometimes you need to write down all the jumble in your head to have it make sense for youself, no matter what the people reading will think of you. I wish i could just be one of those mummies who could walk into a mums and tots for the first time and sit down with other mums and make friendships, or one of those mummies who schedules playdates with other mummies you meet in the park because your little ones are playing together. I think i need someone to hold my hand and drag me to these places so i can meet other people and not feel so alone at times, or like i have nothing to really offer my friends. Recently, when i have plucked up the courage to set up playdates, i think i seem to do something wrong because afterwards, nothing comes from it and i feel like i must be a horrible person for people not to want to see me.

I really want to work on myself. I want to feel good about myself and happier and have time to do things i love so that i can be alot better mummy to the girls. I would love to be able to just my family up and move out to the country and be surrounded by everything we love like forests and rivers and meadows. To be able to breath clean air and wake up to birds singing and not to the sound of lorries and police cars speeding past your house.

Thank you so much to everyone who reads my blog. I appreciate every comment and every follower and i am so greatful to you all.




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20 comments

  1. Aww, I know exactly how you feel. I'm not one of those mummies who makes play dates or takes part in any kind of social activity. I have a few friends but no really great ones and yes, I feel lonely a lot. I do work so that keeps me occupied a lot of the time. I know if we lived closer we could be 'proper friends' because I know exactly what you are saying. I don't have a blog but have met such lovely people I feel like I really connect with through instagram and for that I'm grateful. I sometimes think I should probably make more effort with people but it's hard to find the time with work, study and family. You are fab Keri-Anne, you have a beautiful family and I think a lot of people will relate. Big fairy kisses xx
    Claire (kawaiigirl79)

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    1. Hi Claire.
      oh it would be lovely to live near each other wouldnt it. I wish all my blog adn ig friends lived near me, i would be the happiest lady!!

      Thank you for taking time out to read and comment, it means alot x

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  2. Thanks for sharing, I love reading about u and I totally understand what u mean. Just because u have kids u seem to be obliged to socialize with other mums. It's not always that simple as it seems like. It's a pity u don't live closer to eachother then I could bring my daughter over to play with Elle and we could drink tea together. 💗xx Mia (mia_eriksson)

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    1. Hello Mia! thank you for stopping by, i am so grateful.
      oh, i would love to live near you :(
      we would have such lovely days x

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  3. Hi darling, I love that the two people above me are friends of mine too :)
    What a little community we have, wouldn't it be magical if we all lived in the same street!
    I think you're great at making friends, it's just in a different way - I think many people who would feel
    no nerves going into a play group wouldn't know where to begin when it came to making friends through blogging.

    I am so glad you shared honestly in this post. It feels so funny that we have both been pondering on similar things this week ! As e I have been working on 2 posts where I talk about honesty and blogging authentically. I think you would like Lisa's post in relation to this too, the link is on my post I shared tonight.

    If I get down, I try to remember that everything has a season and that things can change for the better.
    The other day I imagined what it'd be like to be well enough to go to the beach again, and then I thought about how
    it'd be if you were visiting and I took you to my favourite sandy coastline here, and Elle and Mia could play, and we could take photos.
    It feels like a dream in so many respects, but it can happen.

    I wish you lived nearer, and I could be that friend that drags you places, and you could be that friend that helps me get confidence in
    doing things again when I reached being well enough. But I am just thankful that we came to be such friends via blogging/Flickr.
    You really ease the isolation, and I'm glad that you feel the same too about your blog friendships.

    Your blog is quite hard to find, even when I type in I was the sea blog, it doesn't come up.
    I think if you do a post and in it write something clearly about Sweet days with Elle and Mia is now I was the sea.
    Then if anyone googles to try and find where you've gone it might come up easier.

    Anyway best finish before this comment becomes an essay!! ;)
    Love kat xxx

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    1. Hi darling girl,
      oh Kat. You always say the nicest things. I did get your text last night also and i am sorry i didnt reply.
      I cannot wait for the day when i can meet you. The girls would adore you, i just know it!

      Oh, i really need to sort this blog finding thing out. i dont regret changing the url and name but i wish it didnt all mess my readers and google searches up! ill add it to the bottom of the next post i do.

      xxx

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  4. Sweetie, the friends you already do have (even if only three or four) love you very much and would not remain your friends if they didn't. Perhaps you may need to reach out to them more often, they would think no less of you but probably love you all the more and even enrich your friendships. They all care as much as I do, and most are in similar positions to you. Peoples lives may get busy sometimes but please never think you're alone. Love you.xxx

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    1. Thank you to whoever you are. i think i know and i love you too x

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  5. Oh lovely Kerri-Anne. How I can relate. Especially with the Mummy play dates and feeling lonely. The guilt is immense! We have been so depressed of late, we are constantly struggling to get back to the country too. It seems impossible at times. You are wonderful and we all slouch about some days. Especially when the weather has been so gloomy and we can't get our usual fix of the countryside. Take care lovely angel xxx

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    1. Hi Louise darling.
      i am sorry you feel the same. Its horrid isnt it. i think maybe if the weather was so lovely, i wouldnt feel so horrid myself as i could just take the grisl out all day and get lost in that but being stuck in multiplies your feelings of lonliness.
      thank you for being so lovely and stopping by my blog x

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  6. To be honest, I was a little worried when your blog seemed gone but I'm glad I found your new URL. I just realized for how long I've been quietly following your blogs, I've been a follower since you had your pre-Elle livejournal and I admired your creativity and dreamy photos.
    Quite honestly, I'm not much interested in children and babies (no offense meant, it's just not part of my world) BUT I love reading your blog and I even wish I could meet you and the girls - and that's a huge compliment coming from me and shows what a special person you are (and your girls, too).
    Much love from Berlin to you and your lovely little family!
    (Usually I'm too shy to comment but I just had to comment here :))

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    1. Hello. Oh thank you so so much for your lovely comment. It means alot that you have always followed my blogs. Thank you very much for taking the time out to comment me x

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  7. I just came across your blog and I love it - everything is so pretty! I hope I can on my blog when I'm a momma, I think I'd need something to keep my identity oxo

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  8. Hi,

    It is good to freely air your feelings and ramble on, it can help you try and make sense of things.

    As you can see, you have already had many responses from people wishing they lived down the road!

    Your feeling aren't uncommon, most people want and yearn to be like someone else. The grass is always greener as the saying goes. I'm pretty sure the confident mums at mums and tots have their fair share of problems (trust me, most people do) it's just you don't tend to see them, it stays hidden.

    Anyway, now I've rambled for a bit, so I'll come to the point which made me decide to comment on your blog and that is the line where you said "so that i can be alot better mummy to the girls" - you already are a wonderful mum to your two fairies.
    Don't ever doubt that. Ever.

    As for worrying about not feeling confident in social situations, it's one of those things that tends to lessen over time. I'll share a secret, I used to suffer from panic attacks which used to scare the hell out of me and used to make social situations awkward if I was feeling spooked but this got easier over time.

    With me, I learnt that the attacks tended to be because i was worrying about worrying. I wouldn't do something because i was worried about doing it. It sounds so stupid, but with hindsight I worried myself into panicking about things.

    Occasionally now, I still feel the rise of dread and momentarily worry, but I've learned not to fear them anymore and they no longer trouble me for more than that fleeting moment.

    Don't doubt yourself, don't doubt that you are a wonderful mother and talented photographer. Confidence will come back to you, learn not to fear fear and enjoy what you do, whether that involves teepees, bluebells or the Disney channel.

    Right. That's my rambles over.

    AnonniMouse x

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time out to comment.
      You said such lovely things and really made me smile.

      Thank you thank you
      Keri-Anne x

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  9. I think you are a wonderful person, a truly gifted photographer and an even more amazing mummy!

    When I was at Uni I found it so hard to make friends - whereas most people come out the other end with hundreds of friends, I came out with just one very close friend! I often used to wonder where I was going wrong but over the years I have learnt that that is just how it is and not to worry about the quantity of friends I have :)

    I am moving back to Bedfordshire soon, I will have to pop over more often to see you & elle and mia :)

    I always looked forward to seeing you when we were little so we could spend hours designing our own stables and dancing around singing together :) and I used to wonder what it would be like when we were all grown up!

    Love you lots!

    Naomi
    xxx

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    1. i love you Naomi,
      i am so excited to see you soon x

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  10. I miss your LiveJournal quite a lot you know. I miss people opening their hearts. One just doesn't see it very often at all on a public blog which is why I remain there. It's easier to connect when people aren't afraid to write what they truly feel. Of course we record the happy memories. But there are lonely times too, and I think it's nice to share it with others. I hope you find the connections you need. I'm in Canada but if we were closer I'm sure we would have met long ago and conducted a photoshoot in the forest. :)

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    1. thank you so very much,
      oh photoshoots in the forests sounds wonderful! xx

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