This week, i read back through my blog over the last year and realised that i nearly always focus on the positive things such as the lovely things we have been doing or the wonderful days out we have been having. I get anxious and stressed very easily and, for me, it's easier to try and stay as positive as i can and surround myself with as much stress free days as i can otherwise i can get overwhelmed by the negatives. So this month, yes there has been some really great things that have happened but i have also had some, to be honest, crappy days! I feel that if i allow myself to write the negative things down, i become vunerable and feel very much exposed (especially when i then publish it for the world to read!), which in turn causes me more anxiety but i want this blog to be honest and i don't want to feel like i am trying to portray a perfect life.
Over the last 6 months or so, i have been so so tired and lethargic. If i can get through the day without having to take a nap, it's a miracle! It started to effect how i was being a mother and the housework. It would get to 10am and i would feel the need to go back to bed. I started to become short with the girls and become easily irritated. I visited the doctors and had some tests and it turned out i had severe anaemia. I actually had this in both pregnancies and i feel that my iron levels didn't actually replenish after the pregnancies and i have probably had a very low count the whole time. I am now on medication. I still have those days where my eyes wont stay open or i feel like i want to just lay on the couch all day but i am trying to take a positive approach now. My diet has been shocking and i need to really step up and make some changes. I have weeks where i exercise and eat healthy but then stop and i need to push myself. I need to start over again and on that day where i feel like stopping, i need to sit myself down and work out why i feel i want to stop and give up and then deal with that. I really feel a lifestyle change is going to help me and i cannot carry on the way i am going now as i am not being the best i can be or the best mother i can be.
My husband is working away every weekend at the moment in some freelance work as well as working full time during the week. I am really proud of him as he is pursuing what he loves but i miss him so much! He is a stage technician and works full time in the local theatre and then freelances at theatres across the country and soon to be world. He is building a tour each weekend in different venues so is away from saturday until late monday night. It is helping us in our financial situation and we will be able to eventually save for our first house but again, i miss him! Very much! I am starting to get used to him being away and trying to plan things to do each weekend so it goes quickly and i have people around me for support or just for company, so it isn't just me and the girls all week and then all weekend. Gilles has bought me a new laptop and ipad this week though and i am so grateful to him. He says i deserve it and i am very shocked. I got a text the other day to say that he had just bought me an ipad and then the same evening, he came home and said he was popping out with a cheeky look in his eye and came back with a brand new laptop for me! He is pretty wonderful and that boy just keeps surprising me with his kind heart! This is a huge thing for us as a family and is going to change our lives and as i said, i am so incredibly proud of him and how hard he is working for make sure we are all ok.
Life is very busy at the moment and i am trying to fill it with as much positive days and keep us all happy and healthy. I am enjoying having this blog and my photography and when Mia starts preschool in september, i am going to be concentrating a lot more on my photography and it is an exciting thought!