It's 11:20pm as i write this. I put up a tweet about half an hour ago saying that i was wrestling with myself to wake up Mia to bring her in with me. I just felt this intense feeling of missing her and i have been thinking about September all evening. I have this huge sadness in my heart. Just after i wrote the tweet, i heard a little cry in her room. She was calling for me. I called back out and heard her open her door followed by a "where are you mama?" i went into the hall way to scoop her up and placed her next to me in bed. She asked for her lullaby straight away so i have put on Wanderlust by Elle Graham. It is her favourite and mine too. Our special song together. It is on repeat and i can hear her whispering it as she lays next to me. I keep looking over at her little face. She has tiny freckles all across her nose. Her tongue keeps sticking out as she smiles at me. Her eyes. Her disney eyes as we call them. They are so big and round. So blue. I cannot believe this tiny little girl will become a big girl in September. She will follow her sister into school and i will be left with no children at home. I am really struggling with this. It was hard enough sending Elle to school but i knew i still had Mia with me. When Mia goes, that is it. I am not ready. Not at all. I joke about having all this time to myself but inside, i am struggling. Alot. I have invested every part of myself into my girls since the second Elle was born nearly 7 years ago. I have always had them with me. I have had a purpose. I just cannot get my head around the fact that in just a few months time, for 6 hours a day, my girls will be together at school in this whole new world. A whole new world without their mama. I won't be apart of this world and i will be left at home without tiny hands around my neck every few minutes.
How am i going to ever be ok with this. How do you prepare yourself? I keep turning my head to look at Mia. She is so sleepy and just keeps smiling at me. Elle is a big daddy's girl but Mia is a mummys girl. She relies on me for everything. She needs me and i need her. She is amazing. She is the funniest thing and such a loving little girl. Will her teacher see that? Will her teacher know everything little thing about her? The tears are going to come on and off for the next few months. People have said to me that it is a great time, that i get to do what i want. That i am free but i don't feel any of that. I don't want to be. I want to keep them at home, to homeschool but i know that i cannot do that and both of them are very social butterflies. It wouldn't be right to keep them at home just because i don't want to let them go because i don't think that day will ever come where i feel happy with letting them go.
Mia is still so much of a baby. Elle was more than ready to start school. She was so confident and hardly needed me. She would sit and do workbooks and ask every day when she can go to school bit Mia still has a baby voice. She cannot possibly go to school when she still has a baby voice. She cannot say certain sounds still and needs lots of cuddles and reassurance. She still needs me and i won't be able to be there for her. You know, it might get to September and she will bloom and be such an independent little girl but, right now, she isn't. Maybe i am trying to make excuses for the way i am feeling. Does every mother go through these emotions. Do they cry at the most inconvenient times when they think about that month? I cannot control how i feel.
Recently, i have been having terrible dreams and i know it is because i am dreading her going to school. I have been dreaming about her being trapped in a house fire and i cannot get to her and i have dreamt about her going missing but, just last night, i had the worst of them all and i woke up so panicky and upset. I dreamt that i was driving with her in the car and we crashed into a lake. I couldn't open her door to get her out and she drowned. The dream was so vivid. I was pulling her door as hard as i could and she was just looking at me with her arms out in her car seat. I had to go up to the surface to take in air and i had to leave her in the car at the bottom of the lake. Even just typing it makes me feel sick. These dreams won't go away and i think about them all day which leave me with this horrid feeling in my tummy. I think having her close tonight and next to me will help.
So September. I am not happy about you coming up so fast. I won't be counting down the days until you get here. I guess you will be here really soon but please don't expect me to be happy to see you.