I am a perfectionist and i have awful anxiety that makes me feel that i am failing at something, letting people down or that someone hates me in anyway. I put a lot of pressure on myself to "keep up appearances". I make sure my house is tidy when people come around, sometimes spending the whole day before tidying because i don't want to be judged by them or to feel that i am an awful wife and home keeper! I put a lot of pressure on myself on social media. Editing out the parts i don't want to share or i don't want people to see. Again, for fear of being judged or to not meet people's expectations of me. I pick myself apart and convince myself that people won't like certain aspects of me or my life. I can have a conversation with someone and then spend the rest of the day going over and over what i said and how i said it and try and pick out anything that i said wrong. I then kick myself and struggle to sleep because of the anxiety i then build up inside myself. I apologise for things that are not even my fault just to make some peace because i hate tension and confrontation. I just say sorry to avoid any arguments but then beat myself up inside at how weak i was. I say yes when i want to say no. I agree to do things that i don't want to do or have time to do and then get myself in a state with worry, again with the pressure on myself to not let anyone down. If you ask for an inch, i will give you a mile. I will try my hardest to help anyone i can but then wish that i wasn't so needy or desperate to be liked.
But sometimes, just sometimes it is ok to not be perfect. It is ok to say no and it is certainly ok to say "Sorry, i can't just now but i can maybe next week". And this is what i am trying to work on. I want to allow myself a break. Allow myself to know that is ok to get back in my pj's after the school run and not move from the sofa again until afternoon school pick up time. Sometimes, i just need to relax and spend my day watching youtube videos and forgetting about washing or hoovering. Yes, i may not have finished that craft project i wanted to do for my blog, but i allowed myself time to just be.
Sometimes it is ok to not to eat chocolate for dinner and sometimes it is ok to put the children to bed so you can relax in the bath. Sometimes it is ok to write a post like this where you are putting yourself out there to be judged and scrutinised because you need to be honest and open with yourself.
I worry that if i don't read with my children every night or if i don't practice spellings and times tables with them, then their teachers will think i am a bad parent. The guilt i feel if i forget one night is crippling! I have no idea why i suffer from mummy guilt so much but it makes me feel so sick and anxious when i forget to do something important or if i lost my temper. This constant worrying and being anxious is my biggest downfall and it is a daily fight in my head to just keep myself going and to stay positive but i am trying everything i can to let go of things and to allow myself to make mistakes and to allow my to stop being so hard on myself.
I already see the pattern in Elle. She is a perfectionist and puts a lot of pressure on herself too. I want to break to cycle and be the best role model i can do her. And for Mia too. I never want them to ever feel how i have made myself feel since i was 11. You cannot be perfect. You cannot be the best at everything. I am learning and i am fighting these thoughts every day with myself. I want to just be me and if that means that some days i wear a woolly hat all day because i haven't washed my hair, then so be it and if i only eat half of my dinner so i can eat a whole pack of haribo in the bath then i shall! This is me and i can only be me. I cannot be anybody else so i am going to start loving who i am and know that i am enough.