Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Sometimes it's ok


I am a perfectionist and i have awful anxiety that makes me feel that i am failing at something, letting people down or that someone hates me in anyway. I put a lot of pressure on myself to "keep up appearances". I make sure my house is tidy when people come around, sometimes spending the whole day before tidying because i don't want to be judged by them or to feel that i am an awful wife and home keeper! I put a lot of pressure on myself on social media. Editing out the parts i don't want to share or i don't want people to see. Again, for fear of being judged or to not meet people's expectations of me. I pick myself apart and convince myself that people won't like certain aspects of me or my life. I can have a conversation with someone and then spend the rest of the day going over and over what i said and how i said it and try and pick out anything that i said wrong. I then kick myself and struggle to sleep because of the anxiety i then build up inside myself. I apologise for things that are not even my fault just to make some peace because i hate tension and confrontation. I just say sorry to avoid any arguments but then beat myself up inside at how weak i was. I say yes when i want to say no. I agree to do things that i don't want to do or have time to do and then get myself in a state with worry, again with the pressure on myself to not let anyone down. If you ask for an inch, i will give you a mile. I will try my hardest to help anyone i can but then wish that i wasn't so needy or desperate to be liked.

But sometimes, just sometimes it is ok to not be perfect. It is ok to say no and it is certainly ok to say "Sorry, i can't just now but i can maybe next week". And this is what i am trying to work on. I want to allow myself a break. Allow myself to know that is ok to get back in my pj's after the school run and not move from the sofa again until afternoon school pick up time. Sometimes, i just need to relax and spend my day watching youtube videos and forgetting about washing or hoovering. Yes, i may not have finished that craft project i wanted to do for my blog, but i allowed myself time to just be.

Sometimes it is ok to not to eat chocolate for dinner and sometimes it is ok to put the children to bed so you can relax in the bath. Sometimes it is ok to write a post like this where you are putting yourself out there to be judged and scrutinised because you need to be honest and open with yourself.


I worry that if i don't read with my children every night or if i don't practice spellings and times tables with them, then their teachers will think i am a bad parent. The guilt i feel if i forget one night is crippling! I have no idea why i suffer from mummy guilt so much but it makes me feel so sick and anxious when i forget to do something important or if i lost my temper. This constant worrying and being anxious is my biggest downfall and it is a daily fight in my head to just keep myself going and to stay positive but i am trying everything i can to let go of things and to allow myself to make mistakes and to allow my to stop being so hard on myself.

I already see the pattern in Elle. She is a perfectionist and puts a lot of pressure on herself too. I want to break to cycle and be the best role model i can do her. And for Mia too. I never want them to ever feel how i have made myself feel since i was 11. You cannot be perfect. You cannot be the best at everything. I am learning and i am fighting these thoughts every day with myself. I want to just be me and if that means that some days i wear a woolly hat all day because i haven't washed my hair, then so be it and if i only eat half of my dinner so i can eat a whole pack of haribo in the bath then i shall! This is me and i can only be me. I cannot be anybody else so i am going to start loving who i am and know that i am enough.



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28 comments

  1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
    You are a wonderful mum and also a wonderful person.
    Your struggles are so familiar to me.
    But you can do it. We all can do it!

    Lots of love!

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    1. Thank you so very much. I feel everyone can relate to this post in some way so i felt it was important to put it out. Not just for me but for others too x

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  2. You are far more than "enough"! You are wonderful and special and we are all so proud of you.

    I'm like you too... over the years I've learned to cope with it and not to worry so much about others' opinions or whether I'm "good enough". But it is difficult when you're a perfectionist.
    I was on a training course for work once and the tutor was talking about time management and getting things finished. She talked about the idea of "Goode Enough" - in other words, your work - & you - do not have to be totally perfect. If something is "good enough", then you've done what you need to and you can stop, without worrying about it. Over time, I've been able to accept the idea of "Good Enough" - first about my work, then about myself. (Parenting is another issue, but I'm trying!).

    You are definitely Good Enough.
    And what others think of you is less important than what you know of yourself. You are a good woman and a wonderful mother. That's definitely Good Enough!

    Love you!

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    1. Thank you Aunty. I love you lots. I am glad i am for you x

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  3. Oh lovely i so hear you, sometimes it can be so crippling that you just stop. Perfect is impossible but the best version of yourself is the journey we are all on and it takes time x

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    1. It is. I know that i need to be more gentle on myself but it can really build up x

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  4. If it's any consolation, I feel exactly like this too. I constantly feel like I'm be judged and am always aiming to please others. Sometimes I don't share my blog posts as I'm worried about what people will think. I am dubious about what to share on social media - I only ever share the best bits. I even went for a job interview yesterday and was told that I might as well get a job as I will never make any money blogging. Life is tricky and we all need to be a bot easier on ourselves sometimes.

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    1. I am not glad you feel like this too but as i was writing this post, i knew there would be so many others feeling the same. I felt it was important to be honest too. It is so hard to just let go and feel ok about everything. I have no idea how to do that but i want to try x

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  5. I think we all feel like that sometimes, I know I certainly do. I echo Lori though, be the best version of you and you won't go far wrong. x

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  6. Thank you for writing this, I think a lot of mamas will relate. Know that you are a wonderful mother, don't doubt yourself, and when your mind goes to the negatives, stop yourself and think of something positive instead.

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    1. Thank you sweet Amy. It means alot to read those words from you x

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  7. This is such a brave post for you to write Keri-Anne, and I love it. I think it's always important to remember that "perfect" is an illusion. It simply doesn't exist. That always makes me feel better about my lack of perfection, anyway!

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    1. Thank you Molly. It really is and i knew that there would be so many others that could relate. I am really starting to try and switch these thoughts and allow myself to just be x

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  8. Such a beautiful and brave post. I know how you feel, and I can only tell you that it gets better as you get older. I never thought it would, but actually you do stop caring quite so much about what other people are thinking of you (mainly because you realise they are most likely thinking all about themselves instead!)

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    1. Thank you dear Sarah. I have actually been told that a few times. My mum has said to me that the older she gets, the less she worries as well. I am now 30 and i am starting to see that and i am trying to change the way i think and change my thought cycle x

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  9. Oh honey, I needed to read this... I can relate 100%. I also feel like I have to display an image of perfection for fear of being judged, and I get really nervous when someone comes to my house for the first time. What will they think? Have I remembered to dust every surface? Are they going to judge the crammed kitchen? It's so annoying to care so much about people's opinion it causes anxiety. xxxx

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    1. Hello darling. Anxiety does suck. It is so hard to try and change that thought process and i have no idea how to even stop that worry. Can you stop that worry? I am just trying to write how i feel now instead of bottling things up and hope, in time, i can start to change this thought cycle x

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  10. I can 100% relate to this...we put far too much pressure on ourselves to be perfect and compete with other parents but i think we need to accept that as long as we're striving to be the best version of ourselves, then that's good enough. Anxiety sucks! xx

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    1. I hear you! Even yesterday morning, there was a lovely mum in the playground and she just looked so "together". I kept staring at her as she looked so nice in her winter outfit and then felt very inferior but i am trying my hard to stop comparing x

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  11. Well said, I am just like you and I could of written it myself. I worry about everything, I if something goes wrong I worry about that too, and can't drop it either. Keep on worrying! Here is a virtual hug!!

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    1. It is crippling isn't it. I just feel that if i do one thing wrong, i will let everyone down x

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  12. I can relate to this so much. I've been feeling just like this for a long time, with the anxiety building and building. I'm constantly worrying about being good enough, going over things in my head, over and over. It's tough!

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    1. I am so sorry you suffer too. It is so crippling isn't it. x

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  13. i can relate so very much to your blog post. I am a perfectionist and want everything done just so and I'm afraid I have passed that anxiety to my little girl too! On the other hand, losing my son taught me not to fear other people's expectations and to give myself a bit of a break from time to time. I'm still not very good at it and getting separated this autumn did not help with these matters but I remind myself from time to time to pass the responsibility on and just relax.xx

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    1. Hello dear. Oh, i can only imagine how it must be. I am so sorry. I hope time helps you my dear x

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  14. What a brave. heartfelt post - I can totally relate to this. I'm a total perfectionist too and always worrying! x

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    1. Thank you so much. I am sorry you have the same worries x

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